Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers