How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
how to exercise your calf muscles
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever