Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I drew y’all a little something.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.