[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!