Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”