just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*