Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?