4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*