if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.