Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If looks could kill
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.