Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
<—- homeless romantic
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.