An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.