Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
You Might Also Like
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.