My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
You Might Also Like
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it