I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
You Might Also Like
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.