USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it