[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
cause of death:
autopsy.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.