*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.