Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You know…for fall…
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”