I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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Breaking news:
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom