What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
jesus, what did this guy do
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.