Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Previously On Persistence 😎
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it