imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”