[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
getting groceries
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Perfect