Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me