me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
How it started How it’s going
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.