It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.