My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it