Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?