“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.