Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?