People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Oh deer
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?