3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
New tinder profile pic
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
#DesignFail
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.