[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
no one likes gloating