Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
He died doing what he loved: being alive
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.