I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?