Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
bro what is going on at twitter
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
the #horror is real!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?