“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.