Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”