I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.