I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
These 3D printers are insane!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”