I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday