I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
#Caturday
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy