he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Everything reminds me of my ex
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit