Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
🤣🤣🤣
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”