I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
You Might Also Like
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen