I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
marvel comics have peaked
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.