Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.