I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.