[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You Might Also Like
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.